


i can't commit to a thing, be it heart or hospital

by mutantish



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Oops?, au of another ship, cryptophasic liam and louis please, drug abuse/addiction, just lots of vague name dropping and references that make sense to a different ship, recovery mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 07:48:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2724410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutantish/pseuds/mutantish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>they meet in the summer when harry is just twenty and louis is pushing almost twenty three.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't commit to a thing, be it heart or hospital

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alitanyinwhich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alitanyinwhich/gifts).



> inspired by the clip of harry on bass from the four bts and that photo of louis with one from a while back. based on The Summer Of Like, the fandom accepted story of pete wentz/mikey way. this makes more sense if you know that one.

 

They meet, because bassists of different bands hang out together. They do, don’t they? Bassists have to stick together, or at least that’s what Louis thinks. He’s noticed the general indifference towards bassists from fans, or maybe it’s just an indifference towards him, and he thinks, we should stick together.

They meet in the summer when Harry is just twenty and Louis is pushing almost twenty three. They were vaguely aware of each others’ existence before they met, of course, because they’re in bands that tour the American circuit on a relatively regular basis. They’ve crossed paths at events and they’ve probably tweeted each other in the past, but in the summer, they actually meet.

Both of their bands get added to the Warped Tour line up as last additions, and Louis thinks he’s never been happier. He and Liam spending seven hours when they get announced singing bad karaoke and Louis gets more and more fucked up than it warrants, than it’s acceptable to be. They’re starting their next album soon and their last one did better than they expected it to and things are starting to pick up for them. He’s never been happier. This is what he _wants_.

(The truth is that Louis has never felt worse. But it’s a secret. So, nobody knows. Push it all under the rug; pretend the bad feelings don’t exist. Ssh.)

Harry doesn’t really take the time to celebrate Sundry’s addition to the line up, or his own bands. He spends the day of the announcement trying not to let Zayn get too plastered because they have an interview with SPIN Magazine tomorrow. When he thinks nobody is looking, he downs the contents of the bottles and crushes the pills he takes out of Zayn’s hands between his teeth. Zayn lashes out blindly at him and calls him all manner of unsavoury names for taking his things, but Harry knows Zayn never means it. Zayn is never coherent enough to mean it.

And besides, Harry’s too fucked up to really care.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis and Harry meet because Louis thinks bassists should stick together, and because they’re both fucked up in so many different ways and yet in exactly the same way as well. They can connect without strings and while the beginning of their friendship is just a haze of drugs and laughter, they work.

Harry shares a jacket with Louis one day when they shelter from the rain, and six months down the line when they haven’t seen each other for four, Harry thinks about the fact that he never got it back. He’d ask for it, but he vaguely remembers photos of Louis wearing it after Warped, so he never does.

Their paths don’t cross for just under an entire year, where the cycle starts again. Sundry and Over The Worst Of It both make it onto the Warped Tour line up for the second year in a row, and they’ve both been moved up a few slots.

But it’s going to be different this year, Louis can tell. February was the worst month of his life, freely admitted, and he’s been living with his mother and siblings since. He’s been getting up and doing things that are actually productive and not very destructive. Liam’s been a massive help and so have Niall and Stan and they’re getting back into the swing of things slowly this time, taking short steps rather than big scary leaps. They release album #2, and while some of it was written during what Niall likes to call the Bad Time, it’s their best piece of work yet.

And Louis is happy with it.

 

* * *

 

 

On the first day of the tour, Louis goes looking for a fellow bassist, and finds Harry.

He approaches with caution, because if his memory doesn’t betray him, the boys in Over The Worst Of It (ha-ha, apt name) have been through stuff like he has. He remembers hearing that Zayn had hit rock bottom while they were out in Japan, remembers hearing that he got clean in seventeen days. Louis is happy for Zayn, thinks he’s really brave and that it’s brilliant that he can do something like that.

But Louis remembers Harry when Zayn was so wasted he couldn’t stand up, and Louis remembers Harry holding Zayn up and getting him back to the bus while simultaneously being very drunk himself. He remembers Harry and Jamie arguing as Jamie rubbed a hand over Zayn’s back, Harry tearing a handful of his hair out. Harry and Zayn were closer than he’s ever seen anyone, closer than he and Liam, but addiction was tearing them apart.

Louis tiptoes over to where Harry’s sat at a picnic bench in their parking lot, slips his hands down over Harry’s eyes. Harry flails slightly and almost falls back against Louis. His hands shoot up to peel Louis’ away, tilting his head backwards to see who it was. His eyes are momentarily wide, but then they soften and crinkle, and Harry jumps up to tackle Louis into a hug. Louis doesn’t think about the brightness in Harry’s eyes that wasn’t there last year, just buries his face into Harry’s shirt and _clings_. Their respective bands have gathered around the bench and there’s some subdued eye rolling, but Liam is clapping Zayn on the back and things simmer down.

They laugh and hug, and soon things fall back into the place they should be.

 

* * *

 

 

They spend a lot of their time together. In between sets and before the sun rises and sets. Most of their time together, actually, when they’re not on stage. Harry probably spends more time on Sundry’s bus than he does his own bus now. Nobody comments on it, because Louis is known for his attachments and everyone just thinks it’s nice to see Harry out of his bunk. Louis writes things online about Harry where he thinks no-one will see them. He doesn’t mention any names, just in case, but talks about summer and bridges and sunsets that last for eons because there’s a hand in his and love in his heart.

He doesn’t mean to fall in love with Harry, but he does, and he does it to the taste of sunrise and laughter on Harry’s lips.

 

* * *

 

 

 

This tour, Harry and Zayn are closer than they’ve ever been before, but Zayn definitely keeps casting softened glances in Harry’s direction when he thinks nobody is looking. That night on the bus when they’re between two states, Louis asks Liam if he knows what’s up.

“He’s worried,” Liam mumbles into a pillow, half hanging out of his bunk as Louis peeks past the curtain. “Doesn’t,” he pauses, yawning wide, “doesn’t want Harry to go down how he did.”

Louis tilts his head questioningly.

“They’re – fuck,” Liam yawns again, longer and louder, “wired the same. Like me and you. We’ve got our crypto – crypt – language thingy, and Harry and Zayn have got their own stuff that they share. Only, Zayn managed to realise he was destroying himself.”

Louis winces, and turns away to head back into the front area of the bus, where he knows he won’t sleep until they get to their next stop. “Thanks, Li. Sleep well.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Harry and Louis get one of the security guys from the tour to lend them a car and they escape for a couple of hours at a water park. They act like teenagers and splash around and when they nearly knock over an inflatable palm tree that bounces back into Louis’ face, Harry cracks a grin so bright Louis is blinded for a moment.

They spend the rest of the time they have wet and shirtless on their backs, lying in the grass outside the parking lot, and Harry counts Louis tattoos with his thumb.

(That’s how Harry loves, Louis figures. With presses of his thumb into the places that nobody cares to touch and with the brush of his nose against the sharp points along Louis’ collarbone and with a smile that he doesn’t give to anyone else, just Louis. Harry is relatively quiet and withdrawn around everyone else, and it’s like Louis draws something out of him, something he can’t quite put a finger on.)

That night, Harry presses himself into Louis in his bunk and whispers _I love you_ into his neck. It’s been a month and Louis feels like he’s falling. February forgotten about, he presses back and murmurs _I have always loved you_ into the crown of Harry’s head.

 

* * *

 

 

One night, they switch up members and Liam makes it on stage with Over The Worst Of It and Harry takes over for Louis for a few songs. Louis stays on stage, hoists himself up on his amp and watches Harry lose himself in the rhythm.

If Harry thinks that Louis doesn’t notice him retracting himself each day, he’d be wrong. There’s only a week left of tour, and Louis can’t look Harry in the eyes. He had never intended to fall in love, he never had. But commitment is something Louis doesn’t do, no matter what his heart says.

“Please,” Harry half-whispers, his face hidden in the shadow of the bus. “I’m not asking for much. Just –“

“Just nothing.” Louis’ voice is flat, distant. His eyes are unfocused. He can’t do this. “I can’t do it, I’m sorry.”

And just like that, he walks away.

 

* * *

 

 

That very night, Louis crawls into Harry’s bunk when they stop at the service station. Their buses are going along the same road, so when Zayn and Jamie (Ed is flat-out snoring in the bunk above him) go out to get food or whatever they do at gas stations, Louis slips in and climbs up into Harry’s bunk. It’s the last night of tour, and even though Louis flat-out rejected him, Louis is surprised Harry lets him in the way he does. He knows he should probably get out now, but instead he lets Harry trace patterns against his hipbone, lets him snuffle weakly against his neck. They curl up together, Louis draped over his back, Harry holding their hands to his chest. Louis falls asleep to the sound of Harry’s steady beating heart.

When Harry wakes up alone, he doesn’t feel resentful. He smudges the red lipstick mark on his arm. Doesn’t read it, knows what it’ll say.

_Thank you._

_Goodbye, my sweet little dude. X_


End file.
